The Book of Van

I.

1. And it came to pass that Van, in his thirty-eighth year, lived among the Mormons in the city of Salt Lake during the time that the Lord did prosper that place and the people thereof. The Lord did gift him with daughters, and with a house, and with a helpmeet and Van did toil his days and did sleep the short hours the Lord allowed, and he did fill his house with much furniture, and did eat the fat of the land and drink the wine of the grapes thereof, and was circled about by many friends, and his bank account did fill with all manner of gold and silver and precious things. Therefor did the Lord prosper him, that by every word of his mouth and by every command of his fingers did many men do his bidding, and many costly works of architecture did he raise from the ground.

2. And it came to pass that Van turned his back on the Lord, and swelled up in pride at the costliness of his work and he did rise in the morning to toil and did go to his bed midnights drunk of Cotes de Nuit and thus passed two years.

3. And in his fortieth year, the wife of Van did cease speaking to him, and went she to sleep elsewhere, neither did she say thanks when he cooked delicious meals. And after some time he took his daughters and his wife to the land of France and they did eat and drink and surely no man has ever loved his daughters more. But the wife of Van ate and drank bitter and ash and spoke no praise nor thanks and for her the Poulet de Bresse was as a winter stone in her mouth, likewise did she cast her eyes downward in the cathedrals.

4. The family of Van did return unto their home in the land of the Mormons, and after a few days the wife of Van did take him to a public place and did demand of him there a divorce. And after many months of costly dealing Van and his wife and the lawyers did hammer out a settlement, and the man Van did happily offer to give unto his wife three times the amount required by law. And his lawyer was sore displeased.

5. Then passed a year and the Lord did smite the land of the Mormons, yea even the entire land of America and all of the cities thereof, from sea to sea, and all of the cities of the plains and of the mountains, with a great curse. And a plague of pigs came upon the land and they did eat the delicious meals and drink the French wine of the Americans. And after the pigs had eaten they did break down the East Gate of the Tabernacle, and did enter into the Holy Place and did shit upon the altar of incense and force their snouts into the very Holy of Holies.

6. And before the sun came up on the first day of the recession, Van did check his bank account, and, lo, it was empty. Neither was there paying work in all the land. And it came to pass that the Lord sent a grievous drought upon the land and in the summer of the first year of the recession the mountains did burn with great fires, and the rivers ran with sand and an ash of bone fell upon the land and the sun did go down red in the nights, and did rise white in the mornings and the Lord sent no cloud for cover. And the Lord turned his face from the Americans.

7. Then did the ex-wife of Van sue him for his failure to give unto her the riches he had agreed to give. Yea, verily, the wife of Van did not speak to him except through her lawyer, and thus did they burn his crops and salt the earth of his land, and there arose in his heart and in the hearts of his daughters an hatred and a fury, and the man Van could not sleep and the hair upon his head did turn gray, and in all his comings and goings did he wish his ex-wife would die and he did spend many hours in meditation trying in vain to cultivate forgiveness and compassion. Thus did the ex-wife of Van waste his labors and his wealth and took from his daughters their inheritance and their tuition. And, behold, she did not prosper, nor did she benefit, for the lawyers took everything. And the man Van spat upon the threshold of his wife’s lawyer, and, verily, the lawyer did die of a stroke.

8. Now, therefor, the plague of pigs did lay waste to the land of Van, and the bones of his cattle lay white in the drought, and the man Van did curse the long hours of his life. Yet did he rise every morning to toil with the servants and did eat stale bread and wear torn robes and did go about in sackcloth and ash, but did not raise his voice to the Lord for His mercy, neither did he kill a kid upon the altar, nor did he supplicate the Home Teachers for succor.

9. And in the fifth year of the recession there was no paying work to be found in all the land except a man humble himself. And the pride of the man Van did yet wax strong, and he took from his retirement savings all that he had set aside for his old age and for the college of his daughters, yet did he miss several mortgage payments. And the stress was great, and the daughters of Van did suffer and the man Van did grieve in his heart. It was in these days that the eldest daughter of Van did leave home and did travel to a far city and the Lord did visit upon Van a great weight of shame, for he had squandered her dowry.

10. And it came to pass that in the night the Lord did remove the pillow of His mercy from under Van’s head, and did cast down the tent of His compassion, and the man Van did lie naked and he did ride the Black Line, and then did visit him an unclean Black Dog, and even the day, yea, even the noonday was unto Van a midnight and all his words were as soot in his mouth, and his hands lazerous, and all the work of his hands produced ugliness.

11. Then sold he his house, and the daughters of Van did move into the house of their mother, and the man Van did travel to the valley of Kolob to abide there with a gentile woman, for it was rumored that the valley of Kolob alone had been spared the wrath of the Lord. And the fields of the valley of Kolob were green and watered, and there was work enough, and Van stood some months in the pale mercy of the Lord. Then strained he in the desert to hear the voices of his daughters, but there was silence. And in the fields did he strain to hear them, and on the mountain, yet were they silent, and the mercy of the Lord was to Van mere rust, and the wine was dregs in his mouth, and the gentile woman hardened her face to him and kicked him out.

12. So, in the sixth year of the recession did the man Van return to the city of Salt Lake and did dwell among the Mormons, neither did he drink wine. And he dwelt in a poor apartment and ate little meat.

13. And the Lord blocked His ears and turned away his eyes lest Van pray. But Van did not pray, neither did he utter aloud the wishes of his heart, neither did he present a kid at the Tabernacle.